Mr. President, Please Appoint Me To NDDC Board!

Dear Mr. President,

I wish to formally request that you appoint me as a member of the board of Niger Delta Development Commission, popularly known as NDDC.

I am a Nigerian from Edo State, an oil producing area and even my wife is from an oil producing State right in the delta swamps. Although I have not held any position in the oil sector in Nigeria and have not done any oil or oily business or even seen or swallowed any oil, I consider myself eminently qualified to be in NDDC and enjoy some form of the palliatives in that Federal Government agency.

Permit me to correct the impression in the last sentence about not haven seen or swallowed oil before now. Apart from being an oil producing state with several oil and gas fields, Edo State is blessed with lots of palm oil which I myself have helped my late mother to produce by marching on the boiled palm fruits which was the way those days and I probably eat food made with palm oil on a daily basis because my wife loves the red oil; therefore I correct that first error or misrepresentation.

Now, there are obviously several cash sharing agencies in the Nigerian system. NDDC has proved that it is a veritable place to share the national cake. However, the cake is being shared among some very few of your appointees.

Looks like they share Christmas gifts in billions. They share COVID-19 monetary palliatives in billions. Sallah is around the corner. I do not want the Sallah billions to pass me by. So please do ‘quick, quick’ and send me there. I will be very grateful. This my stomach needs to protrude a bit more.

My President, please don’t ask me how I heard that there are billions of Naira to be shared in NDDC. I am sure you have been watching the live televised drama unfolding in Abuja during the House of Representatives public hearing on the NDDC. Looks like those you appointed to the Commission, even on an interim basis and not too long ago, are saying it in black and white and techni-colour that that they have been enjoying the place. Who am I not to be considered to enjoy the place too?

It also looks like the forensic audit you ordered since last year has not even taken off; meanwhile several companies have smiled to the bank after being mobilized as contractors.

Don’t get me wrong, Your Excellency; I do not want to be a contractor. I prefer to be an insider, doling out the contracts. I am not sure yet how the contractors are paying or kicking back and what percentage is on the table. Don’t worry about me – I will find out.

The previous MD has spilled some beans and named names of some of the big boys who have been dictating the pace and how she has even been dodging some ‘bullets’ aimed at soiling her very clean hands. It has been revealed that apart from the billions of Naira on offer to be grabbed by any smart insider, there are even some hundreds of millions of dollars idling away, fallow if you like. Who abandons that kind of gravy? May be they were waiting for those to be appointed next, to do the needful. And the needful is to ‘wack’ the baga dollars. Who cares! So many humongous and ginormous figures are being bandied about in the media and during the public hearing that I do not want to mention them for fear of even understating them. I want to see and feel them when I get there. After all, seeing is believing, right? But even feeling it is more believable!

Do not worry too about whether I will survive the intrigue in NDDC. I have some friends who are staying close to me while writing this letter and who are willing to assist me when appointed. Many of them are reading this letter right now and are waiting for the whistle to blow and ‘move to site’.

Apologies, Your Excellency, for making this an open letter. I don’t know how or who to send it through for it to get to you as it may be hijacked or ambushed or waylaid or diverted, or all of the above.

Your very, very loyal citizen of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.